Saturday, October 23, 2004


The Bitch is cack

Director: Paul WS Anderson
Cast: Sanaa Lathan, Raoul Bova, Lance Henriksen, Ewen Bremner
Tagline: Whoever wins, we lose

(NOTICE TO READERS: I promise to review a semi-tasteful film in the near future)

The film with perhaps the most mocked tagline in cinematic history (the best parody of which eloquently summarises the US Election) is upon us at last. It is in fact the biggest befoulment of a good thing in recent memory; almost the worst prequel ever and almost the worst film to contain the word ‘versus’. The more you know about the two franchises, the more hurt you’ll be. The Predators’ entire honour code is abandoned, allowing them to collaborate with puny humans and remove their exploding wrist gadgets and Alien history is rewritten something shocking (in a number, 2004).
Of course, none of that matters when confronted by the crash course in abysmal storytelling on display. All sense of time and space evapourates as Aliens gestate in minutes (formerly three days), maturing into two-metre long adults the instant they’re offscreen and multiplying without needing human hosts (the entire flimsy premise of the film hinged on the fact that they do). The big, shape-changing pyramid (running on metric time, the Predator’s choice) dribbles all over physics as we know it and the giant Jurassic Park-style Alien Queen actually appears to change height drastically from shot to shot.
This film needs attacking because the hard work of some extremely talented individuals has been ruined by the director, writers, producers and actors (pretty much all of ‘em). The Aliens in particular are stunningly built and I could happily wander around the heavily detailed set for hours poking about the various sculptures and engravings. Shame. Before you can say ‘character development’, the film has prematurely blown its load in your face. The plot is so hurried that one character suddenly says ‘It’s all starting to make sense’ and then vomits a graphic novel’s worth of storyline as if he’s pitching it to an executive. Even some of the Aliens (‘Checkers’, the frisky one, for example) have a more fleshed out back-story than most of the humans, despite dying less than twenty minutes after they’re born. There’s lost penguins, paedophile jokes, product placement (Pepsi, thrice), multiple hints at sequels and no-one to empathise with at all. In short, if you watch this film, you’ll wish you’d had what John Hurt was having.


Blogger Dude said...


Very good.

2:57 AM  
Blogger the groover said...

what is spud doing in the film?
cacking himself again

this was pure bollocks on a stick, made clearer by the showing of predator and even wank alien3 the next night on channel 5.


4:49 AM  

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