Sunday, July 24, 2005

THE FANTASTIC FOUR

Don't need no more (that's ungrammatical)

Director: Tim Story
Cast: Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis

Tagline: Prepare for the fantastic.

Cursed Incredibles! How dare you make the antics of four superbeings into a Christopher Guest-like dinner table farce! Blasted Ain’t It Cool! Sabotaging the opinions since the script existed! Damned BBC’s Late Review team! They saw it and were so under-stimulated that they reviewed something else instead! Arg! Every reviewer took their own petty potshot, usually grounded in some overly long way of saying that it was not a ‘fantastic’ movie! Darn!!!
Of Stan Lee’s four biggies (he done Spiderman, The Incredible Hulk and X-Men, so he did), this was always going to be the hardest to get right. The Hulk is Frankenstein retold, Spiderman and the X-Men dance between puberty and simple prejudices. The Four came first, and hence, the themes are a little confused and their adventures bear the marks of a worryingly simpler time. In the past they saved Prince Charles from an earthquake, fought villains with names like ‘Impossible Man’, ‘Galactus, Devourer of Worlds’ and ‘Namor the Sub Mariner’ and even gained their super powers by being overly competitive in the Arms Race. Stan Lee subtitled it ‘The World’s Greatest Comic Magazine’ as of its fourth issue.
Thankfully, some of this spirit lingers in the ghost of the original script. It has a reasonably funny happy montage sequence, a few inspired one-liners and a short but sweet cameo from Mr. Lee. Trouble is, it isn’t innocent enough; New York is still run by those supreme overlords of all things, the firefighters, a speed record is set for product placement (about twelve different products in two minutes) and worst of all, there is that dick-joke (you know, Mallrats?). Dr Doom really is rubbish. Really, really rubbish and bollocks in every way. He’s been over-directed, told both to camp it up and to keep it realistic. Making him a slick businessman motivated by love of his woman and his corporation takes away everything interesting about him. He doesn’t even appear to imperil the Earth! On top of all that, The Thing is really wee-looking compared to (you wouldn’t like me when I’m) Ang Lee’s Incredible Hulk.
Most of all, it suffers because you see the flaws of a committee, not an individual director or writer, people pulling in opposite directions and making compromises that don’t work. The Fantastic Four 2 is on its way, and the only way it’ll be good is if it’s directed by a fruitcake and uses a villain as inhuman as The Inhumans instead of trying to compete with anything else out there.

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